In all honesty, it doesn't really feel like Christmas. Perhaps that's willful, or maybe I just don't understand what Christmas without a Mom is yet.
When I think where I was a year ago - freezing in Chicagoland, with Mom, Dad, the rest of the family - it seems so impossibly distant. And when I think about the weeks that followed Christmas, it drains me in a way that living through it never did.
But I'm also not sad. I miss Mom, but I'm not sad. Natasha has been staying with me while Marco's been home in Germany, so I am not alone. My calendar has been full of travel, dinners, drinks and TV nights in. I am living in a city I love, and a flat I love coming home to.
Maybe that's why it doesn't quite feel like Christmas. I expected it to be harder, but mostly there is good in my life. Mom's outlook on life was "live, laugh, love", and that's exactly what I'm doing.
Merry Christmas, Mama. I love you.
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